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Dear Auntie Lola,

I was recently invited to a fancy dress party where the code was “S &M underwear”.  I arrived in a basque and fishnet stockings with suspenders, and was horrified to find all the other women in Bridget Jones pants and sensible bras.  What should I have done?

Lola says:

You should have sorted out your dyslexia problem before accepting.  M & S, sadly, do not cater for S & M.  I’ll bet you didn’t lack male company though.

 

Dear Auntie Lola,

I am beginning to worry about what's happening to me. For a while now I have had a strange sense of feeling superior to everyone else.   have stopped my subscriptions to various charities and I no longer buy The Big issue from street sellers. I also long to see tramps flogged and mortgage defaulters thrown out on the streets.  Do you think that there may be something wrong with me?

Lola says:

Sadly, nothing can be done.  This is known as “Katie Hopkins syndrome”, and is usually accompanied by a growing ugliness.

 

Dear Auntie Lola,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, he was in our bedroom having sex with our neighbours' daughter.  I’m at my wit’s end; can you please help?

Lola says:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

 

Dear Auntie Lola,

I’m concerned that there seem to be many journalists who are supposedly there to help, but in reply to genuine and heartfelt problems they plug some product in which they have an interest.  I’m convinced they are only there to grab extra cash for themselves rather than help people.

Lola says:

You are right; it is a disgraceful situation.  My book “How to avoid being ripped off”, available at all good bookshops (£49.99) will help you.

Dear Auntie Lola,

I’m always being ogled by men at my place of work.  What can I do?

Lola says:

Have you ever considered alternative jobs to being a stripper?

 

Dear Auntie Lola,

I have had a weight problem my whole life and right now I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I've tried dieting and exercising but the pounds won't budge. Please help me, I'm desperate.


Lola says:

You need to get a grip.  First, take up smoking; it will keep your weight down and you will look cool. Do try to stay away from the Ultra-Lites, though. It's like sucking on a straw and since they contain less nicotine & tobacco, the desired outcome is muted. Don't waste your time on them.

Second, take up heavy drinking.  Everyone says that alcohol is fattening- those people are liars.  Booze doesn't have any fat in it at all!  The fact is that after you've downed 6 gin and tonics in less than an hour last thing you want to do is eat.  Also, you'll probably vomit and we all know that if your lunch is in the toilet it’s not going to settle on your hips, is it? Just be careful with mixers like coke, juice, etc. You don't want to dilute alcohol's weight loss magic.

Third, snort a lot of cocaine. It's my favourite no-calorie sweetener.  I've been doing it for years and besides the occasional 3 day long nose bleed, it's never done me any harm.

If these tips don't produce the results you want there is one other option; contract e. coli or salmonella. Really, any sort of food-borne illness or intestinal parasite will do it. All you have to do is eat undercooked, spoiled food or visit a third world country and drink their water. It's as easy as that.

It’s important that you discuss this plan with your GP.  If he disapproves, find a new doctor.

Dear Auntie Lola,

I expect you get many men writing to you who are embarrassed by having a small penis.  Well, my problem is quite the opposite.  I have an extremely large penis, and this, coupled with the fact that I seem able to carry on for all night, puts some women off.  What can I do?

Lola says:

I have written to you privately giving you my home address, where you will be welcome to come and discuss your problem at any time.

Dear Auntie Lola,

I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?

Lola says:

Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Dear Auntie Lola,

I fear my life is going downhill.  I have always enjoyed the company of prostitutes, especially the kinky ones, but have lately found that rent boys can provide just as much fun.  One of the latter introduced me to a club where everybody who wasn’t wearing a gimp mask was in drag.  I simply don’t know what to do.

Lola says:

I do appreciate your dilemma – politics seems to be the obvious choice.  MPs are well paid, and you can easily disguise your clothing fetishes and sexual transactions as expenses.  On the other hand, the church offers much shorter hours, and if you can get fast-tracked to Bishop there are plenty of opportunities to dress up, and in public too.

Dear Auntie Lola,

I have recently moved to a pretty little house near Plymouth, and after just a few days met a sailor who started to visit me regularly.  I am proud of my well-trimmed front garden with an outstanding clematis, but he always insists on using what he calls the “tradesman’s entrance” round the back, which is much scruffier, and the door is harder to open.  What can I do to persuade him to use the front door?

Lola says:

It’s not surprising that a sailor should prefer the back way in; I suggest you clean up your rear entrance and make it more accessible by lubricating the back door.  As for the clematis, in my experience most men are only vaguely aware of it anyway.  I have sent you my leaflet “Double entendres for beginners”, which may help.

 

First, please respect my anonymity.  I am getting on a bit now, but still have problems with my dysfunctional family.  My (foreign) husband used to shag everything that moved until he became senile and past it (as, indeed, did my sister, R.I.P.)  My children, who incidentally don’t seem to have a brain cell between them, have been a constant source of worry.  My eldest son got divorced and is now with a woman nearly as old as me, and his sister and one of his brothers also had disastrous marriages.  I managed to get the youngest son married orf, although he still displays a worrying interest in fashion and Judy Garland films.   One would appreciate your advice.

Lola says:

I will of course respect your anonymity, ma’am.  It seems that everybody in the family has been having fun except you.  I suggest you abdicate and let Big Ears run the show, then get on Celebrity Big Brother and have some fun yourself.

 

Dear Auntie Lola,

The good news is that I can go to bed with any girl I please.  The bad news is that I don’t please any of them.  Can you help?

Lola says:

I suggest you browse the internet for a site with plenty of images of women.   Eventually you will have the solution in your hand.