The Daily Liar

A weekly roundup of all this month’s news, published quarterly or whenever we feel like it

STOP PRESS

The AGM of the International Time Travellers Society has been postponed due to unforseen circumstances.  It will now take place last Tuesday.


 On other pages…

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While p 46

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say p 14

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures p 29

Worst hairstyle finalists to meet - Liar exclusive

The two finalists in the Worst Hairstyle in the World competition are to meet in a showdown, it has been revealed.  One is believed to be a ruthless megalomaniac dictator, and we understand the other to be ruler of half a peninsular somewhere in Asia.


PC Plod of the Comic Crime Squad

 

Serious Crimes Squad is to go

 

It was announced today that the famous Serious Crimes Squad is to be disbanded in order to save money.

A spokesman said: “This is bad news,  It will leave us with just the Not So Serious Crime Squad, the Comic Crime Squad and the Frankly Laughable Crime Squad”.

 

 Defending the accusation that this action would mean a shortage of police officers, the Chief Constable insisted: “Shortages are not a worry.  We are getting rid of short officers anyway and replacing them with tall ones”.

 


Real cause of NHS troubles revealed

 

 

Underfunding is the cause of NHS problems, said a BMA spokesman, speaking from his yacht in the Mediterranean.  “Doctors need to earn more to enjoy the lifestyle to which we hope to become accustomed.”.  He went on “Not only that, but people really should stop going to their GPs for trivial illnesses such as aortic aneurisms and deep vein thromboses.  We have better things to do than treat ill people”.

The BMA says that every week more than 90% of Britain's doctors are forced to see unwell patients and try and make them better.  The association wants a new raft of legislation which will outlaw alcohol, vehicles, tobacco, television and all foodstuffs except cranberries and porridge.

As a first step doctors are demanding the right to hold consultations in the back of their Jaguar while driving to the airport on their way to the Bahamas to meet their tax accountants.

A BMA spokesman said: "Doctors' contracts make it clear that in exchange for completing their medical degree they will trouser a huge salary, no questions asked.

"Too often doctors are being forced to work until mid-afternoon, telling fat people they eat too much and beating smokers over the head with a big book."

He added: "These days most illnesses are caused by being poor. If more people made the effort to get a decent medical degree they would soon notice a significant improvement in their quality of life."


Oxfam scandal latest

A spokesman for Oxfam has defended the actions of charity workers in Haiti and Chad, claiming that they were playing their part in helping the Haitian economy.  Jeffrey Lecher, 52, insisted: “By engaging the services of prostitutes, we were giving employment to women who might otherwise have been struggling.  I think I deserve a medal for services to local businesses”.  Mr Lecher has now moved back to the UK and is believed to be offering comfort to distressed ladies in the Soho area of London.


Carillion’s lost billions

Anybody want to buy a tunnel?

The true reason for the collapse of the construction company Carillion can now be revealed.

The company made a successful bid for a 4-kilometre tunnel through Mount Snowdon, having read the tender document, which was of course in Welsh.  A Carillion director explained “It was only when we had bored through the whole mountain that we realised the mistranslation; 4 kilometres in Welsh is pwllgyngwych, whereas 3 kilometres is gwllpyngwych, so the last kilometre of tunnel was left sticking out into the fresh air”.

 He added “The Welsh refused to pay for the extra length, so we sawed off the sticking-out part but couldn’t find a buyer”.


Wallace memorial to be updated

The new statue

 

 

This famous statue, which can be seen close to Stirling Castle, represents surely one of the most iconic heroes in British history, and preserves the likeness of this true luminary for generations to come.

It has now been decided to bring the statue up to date with modern times, and sculptor Anthony Gormless has been commissioned to show off his amazing erection to the public.

A statue of Grommit is expected to follow in due course.


The Liar says:

Time to stop this vile harassment!

Then: "Get 'em off!"            Now: "Keep 'em on!"

The disgusting and evil invasion of world leaders’ privacy continues to dishonour our great British press. 

Now is surely the time to put an end to this heinous practice.  The Liar is proud to state that we will never stoop so low as to publish pictures of the great and good in the buff. 

Anyway, the thought that Donald Trump might be next is enough to put us off our breakfast.


Brexit negotiations – the latest

David Greysuit

Mr David Greysuit, leading the negotiations said “We have taken many great steps since the talks started, even if most of them have been backwards.  I believe this country will wake up the day after leaving the EU and suddenly find itself bathed in a glorious light of sovereignty, like North Korea.  The EU is all a Franco-German conspiracy and the best way of defeating it is to allow the Germans and French to get on with it.  I believe an isolated UK will have more influence on a global stage because of our great history as an Empire, just like, er, Egypt, Mongolia and the Aztecs.”

 

He went on “I believe foreign workers who fill jobs where there are skills shortages like nursing, construction and premiership football are adding nothing to society.”

Johnny Foreigner

Not that Socrates! - Ed

Before anyone could stop him, he continued “I feel no cultural connection to Johnny Foreigners like Abba, Archimedes, Aristotle, Bach, Beethoven, Brie, Cervantes, Chanel, Cicero, Croissant, Da Vinci, Einstein, Euclid, Goethe, the Grimms, Homer, Ibsen, Joyce, Leibniz, Michelangelo, Mozart, Pasta, Plato, Pythagoras, Rousseau, Schiller, Socrates, Tapas, Truffaut, Virgil, Zola or whatever, but on the other hand, I've got Morris dancing in my veins.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Cardew Stump, the new Excuses Supremo

Negotiations will be helped enormously by the appointment of a Minister for Excuses, who will have a broad remit covering the NHS and Transport as well as Brexit.  Cardew Stump will be expected to make excuses for all Government failures across the board.  Mr Stump told the Liar “Before I entered politics, I worked in a similar capacity for Tim Henman and the England cricket team, so I am well prepared for this demanding position”


Attic find raises hopes at first

A chance discovery of a violin and a painting in his attic by Mr Perry Stalsis of Neasden led to wild excitement when experts attributed them as a Strad and a Cezanne.  Later, Mr Stalsis whined “I was gutted when they pointed out that the painting was by Stradivarius and the violin was made by Cezanne”.


Anti-porn Rally

Not anti-pawn, you idiot! - Ed

The Citizens’ committee to clean up Britain’s porn-infested areas held a rally last month, as a throbbing, huge, pulsating crowd sprang from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether region surrounding the glistening, sweaty secret places of Soho.  Thrusting, diving, pushing its way in, the excited throng now swelled to five times its normal size, it rammed itself again and again into the quavering, perspiring darkness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion.  Suddenly the tumescent crowd and the inflamed area were one heaving turgid entity, ascending to heights never experienced before.  Then, with a gigantic, lurching series of eruptions, it was all over.  Afterwards, the crowd had a cigarette and went home.


  • Losing Streak

    A female streaker completely spoiled the evening for customers at the Mephisto night club in Wookey Hole recently. Luckily she was caught by the bouncers and picked up by the fuzz.

  • Molestation

    Deckchair underlooker Bernard Sprout, who was rushed to hospital to have a large mole removed from his penis, was said today to be in a comfortable condition. He has, however, been reported to the RSPCA.

  • Church panic

    There was trouble at St Ivel's church in Lymeswold last week when the congegation panicked during Holy Communion and lost control. A spokesman blamed Mass hysteria.

  • Police news

    Senior police officers have expressed horror at the proposed disbandment of the serious fraud squad. A spokesman said: “This will leave us with just the not-so-serious fraud squad and the frankly-laughable fraud squad”.

  • Cuts Relief

    The government has today published a green paper proposing that tax relief should be offered for vasectomies. Sources said that this was to encourage cuts in the private sector.

  • Racing at Epsom

    There was racing at Epsom yesterday. There will be more racing at Doncaster tomorrow.


Scots buy Met office

In a dramatic move, the Scottish Weather Bureau have launched a surprise takeover of the London Meteorological Office.  A Scottish Weather spokesman, Mr Hamish Ochwullyenofuchaugh (he was supposed to be anonymous, but when asked his surname that’s what he told our reporter) said: “We are guy fed up with having all the lousy weather, Jimmy”.

Suppressing his surprise that Mr Ochwullyenofuchaugh knew his name, our intrepid investigator asked him to elaborate.  “Och weel”, he said, “Under Saint Nicola Sturgeon we are gradually taking control of our own destiny.  The new arrangement means that 10% of the weather will still be supplied by London, but we will take control of the rest of the UK climate.”

 In Scotland, there is natural disappointment that thousands of Sassenachs will no longer be dying of thirst and excruciating dehydration every summer, tempered by the satisfaction that the bastards will be paying through the nose for Scottish weather.


New archaeological finds

Following the discovery of Richard 111’s skeleton in 2015, historians believe they have solved the mystery of a tapestry in Westminster Abbey which has baffled them for years. Depicting a Norman king apparently tending the feet of his subjects, it is now thought to be William the Corn Curer.  The Liar has also learned that a skeleton of a king killed in battle while only half-dressed has now been confirmed as Ethelred the Unready. 

Offa's Dyke

Meanwhile, in the Welsh marches, archaeologists have come across a female skeleton bearing traces of tweed clothing and lace-up shoes.

A spokesperson said “It’s entirely possible we have discovered the remains of Offa’s dyke”..


Church News

Female clerics have vowed to fill England's cathedrals with knick-knacks and bowls of pot pourri when they become bishops.  The growing numbers of women bishops also believe that scented candles will offer a much better atmosphere than the boring old pillar-types currently used.

 

 

Scatter cushions

The Reverend Emily Scroat said she was looking forward to giving her cathedral a makeover when she takes charge next month.  Looking around the magnificent 13th century building, she said: "What this place needs is lots of velvet scatter cushions, some strawberry tea lights and my collection of little china hippos."

 Roman Blinds

 "And these stained-glass windows are all very well, but chintz curtains or roman blinds would add a lovely touch.  I’m looking forward to inviting Hello magazine along for a photo shoot”.


Club news

National Society for Embarrassing Diseases

The National Society for Embarrassing Diseases held its Annual General Meeting last month.  Liar reporter Arthur Smallpiece was there to report the news.

Prompt

The meeting was due to start at 10 am, although Mr Ernie Peabody (Premature Ejaculation) arrived very early, which surprised nobody.

Breathtaking

The meeting was presided over by Mrs Edwina Thring (Bad Breath), whose emotional speech soon had the committee reaching for their handkerchiefs.

Deep seated problem

Edgar Pincher (Haemorrhoids) was unwilling to take the chair, but the problem was solved when it was taken by Nellie Fagan (Kleptomania).

Distant drums

Mr Albert Scrottle (Flatulence) produced several reports which caused some consternation in the room until the chairman cleared the air to general approval.

Important point

Just then there was an interjection from Mr Fred Emery (Priapism), whose point was appreciated, especially from Miss Elsie Cripps (Nymphomania).

Couldn’t come

Apologies for absence were received from the Godalming Impotents, who were sorry that they couldn’t oblige.  The apology was gratefully accepted by Miss Frost (Frigidity).

Intercourse

The meeting then discussed a suggestion from Wayne Boots (Oedipus Complex), who put forward the motion that the Society should promote social intercourse with the Mothers’ Union.

Upbringing

Many interesting items were brought up by Mr William Spue (Bulimia), but a motion by Edgar Throttle (Constipation) was not passed, much to the members’ relief.

Happy couple

Lord Nasticutt (Masochism), who did not have the fare home, begged for a whip round, but Miss Trixie Fettle (Sadism) kindly offered to solve his problem.

Eau de Russe

Mr Barmitage Sprott (B.O.) made an impassioned plea for understanding.  His voice could be clearly heard from outside the hall, which was just as well as everybody had assembled there for his speech.

The end

 At this point Miss Emily Gerhart (Incontinence) released a stream of stuff and a large motion by Edwin Spart (Diarrhoea) was passed. It was decided to declare the meeting closed.


Celebrity Surprise

It was revealed today that Dolly Parton secretly had triplets some time in the 1980s.  The Daily Liar has obtained a photograph of the three boys, but has been unable to establish which one was on the bottle.


 

 

Rovers vs City

 

 

 

 

Early in the game, Rovers’ Wahine Midori found the back of the net, which he’d been looking for all night, but failed to kick the ball into it.

The only goal of the match came when the reds were given a free kick.  Caipirinha picked his spot, and while the defenders were looking to see where the pus went, Negroni scored.

City’s manager Amaretto Cantarito Said “We came here to get a result, and we did.  Sadly, it was the wrong kind of result, as we lost”.  He added “We were hoping for something more from our striker, Bellini, who has an educated left foot.  Unfortunately, he kicks with his right, which is as thick as two planks.”

Cantarito denied he has lost the dressing room, claiming “It’s just mislaid.  My wife doesn’t help – she just tells me it’ll be where I left it”.

Both sides agreed that the game was so boring that in future they will play only the highlights.


On other pages

Trump defects to Islam p 12

Keith Lemon says something funny p 14

Chris Evans to marry himself p19

Queen Mother still alive - seen in Tesco p23