By Gypsy Lola de Frith

  • Aquarius

    You will have an embarrassing medical problem which will cause you a great deal of worry and concern and you will lose all your friends. It will get better in time and the day will come when the doctor will pronounce you fit and well. Unfortunately, the following day when going out to celebrate you will be run over by a steamroller.

  • Aries

    You will meet a new person in the queue for tickets to see your best friend in a Britain’s Got Talent audition. Your mate will be thrown out, but romance will blossom, and you will be happier than ever before. After a few weeks your new love will leave you for the aforesaid best friend and you will feel totally betrayed. Still, at least you will have had your end away.

  • Cancer

    You will receive a message telling you that you will come into a great deal of money and that you will never have to work again. All your troubles will seem to be over, but the bad news is that this will come in the form of an email, supposedly from a Nigerian Prince, and you will have to pay him a large deposit in order to transfer the cash. Sucker!

  • Capricorn

    The equilibrium of Saturn’s seventh moon alignment with Pluto puts the sun in your water axis this week. That could go either way, so try not to do too much speaking or walking. The fifth moon of Mordor in your Jupiter house means today is the perfect day for you take advantage of celestial radiations that will settle in the third axis of Neptune’s house of air. Understand? Nor do I.

  • Gemini

    You are elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You eat a lot of ethnic food and always have pesto in the fridge. You constantly worry about what other people think, but if you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. You don't eat fast food or have any clue which is bin day. Geminis are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is pretentious bullshit. You like explaining the difference between café latté and café au lait, whereas the rest of us know that they are the same thing.

  • Leo

    This week, the air house in Saturn’s lunar rotation is going to cause a major complication for somebody close to you – well, in the same county or possibly the one next to it. I’m going to be honest – I’m grasping at straws here. Not a lot is happening for you this week. I can give you one piece of advice though. If you spill coffee on a white shirt, the best way to remove the stain is to smother it with red wine and then pat it down with Demerara sugar. Try it the next time you’re trying to impress somebody.
    Also, stop being so gullible. Everyone is laughing at you.

  • Libra

    Sexual healing could be at your fingertips this week, but it’s more likely you’ll have too much flatulence for intimacy. Stop pretending that you’re a passionate, creative person. We all know very well that you only use your fancy camera for selfies, and your true love is the remote control. Your intuitive energies are ideally suited for poetry, divination, and energy healing. Unfortunately, the world is consumed by business, industry, and war.

  • Pisces

    Now is the time to seek thrills and adventure. You will leave your boring job and your equally boring family and run away to seek your fortune. On your travels you will come across a family of travelling gypsies and fall in love with one of them. As a result, you will spend the rest of your days in a caravan with six children and sell clothes pegs door to door.

  • Scorpio

    One Saturday evening your other half will be out, supposedly at a works do (hah!) You will decide to be lazy and order a Chinese takeaway. Unknown to you, the unscrupulous owner of the Golden Salmonella is trying to save money, and replaces the water chestnuts with daffodil bulbs. You will be taken to hospital doubled up in pain. Still, you’ll probably be out in the spring.

  • Sagittarius

    You are a born adventurer, who likes trying to walk to the loo in the middle of the night with the lights out. You love to entertain your friends, family, and total strangers, often by cross-dressing or farting conspicuously. You are loud and have no social graces. Animals and small children love you, but adults probably hate you. However, you would make an excellent circus freak. You throw food at expensive restaurants and like singing “The One-eyed Riley” in the middle of a church service. At this rate you will probably end up either in jail or as an MP.

  • Taurus

    You will attend a televised football match, and the camera will catch you as part of the cheering crowd on three different occasions, two of which are shown on Match of the Day. This will naturally qualify you for I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here. You will be granted immunity from the first vote-off by eating one of Kiosk Keith’s testicles in a bush-tucker trial, but the next night it’s between you and a man who had a part as a waiter in a 1993 episode of Eldorado. You will lose, but be offered a role in Panto as the back end of a horse.

  • Virgo

    The stars foretell that you will journey to a foreign land where your pocket will be picked and the natives will be suspicious and unfriendly. The meals will be expensive and of dubious origin, so it will be better to take your own food with you. Do not agree to let any of the locals act as your guide, as they are sure to take you to a shop belonging to one of their many relatives, who will charge you at least double the real price. Serves you right for crossing the Severn bridge in the first place.