Well, it’s not been a bad old year, all things considered. It would have been hard to top 2016, when I managed to get the Brits to vote for Brexit and the Yanks to elect Donald Trump, but I’ve done my best.
Good old Donald had to agree to sell his soul to me in exchange for his election of course, so in January, I got him to ban citizens of seven Muslim countries from entering the US. The next few years should be interesting!
Talking of elections, you have to give me credit for Theresa's wonderful mistiming when she called one for June 8th. She could hardly have chosen a worse time!
There’s been loads of fun in North Korea this year, starting with their firing a missile across the Sea of Japan in February and several more since; I look forward to stirring this particular pot some more next year.
During the silly season I sent along two friends, Harvey and Irma, to cause some trouble in the USA; nothing like a couple of decent hurricanes to warm things up, I say!
The Catalonia secession business was a jolly romp as well, but it seems to have fizzled out. Still, I got the secessionists re-elected by Christmas, so here's hoping for something a bit more devastating in 2018.
I was overcome with grief when Zimbabwe got rid of my old mucker Robert Mugabe last month, but watch this space – I’m not finished with Africa by a long chalk!
All in all, I can’t say I’m dissatisfied. Keith Lemon is still on TV, and the Reverend Richard Coles is still turning people away from my old enemy, God, in droves. Now all I have to do is decide whether to make Jeremy Corbyn or Boris Johnson the next Prime Minister….