Dear Scobie Tuttle,
When making mince pies last Christmas, I made sure I used low fat mince from the butcher, but they still tasted awful. Do you think I used the wrong type of gravy?
I am allergic to nuts, and I thought I must have inadvertently eaten some when I looked in the mirror last night and saw this nasty, obnoxious face staring back at me. Fortunately, I remembered just in time that I was Piers Morgan.
Dear Mr Tuttle,
They say you are twice as likely to have unprotected sex after heavy drinking, so I had twelve pints last night, but all that happened was that I fell over. I’ll try harder next time.
They say “Look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves”. Well, I have looked after my pennies ever so well. I take them on holiday with me in the summer, and in wintertime I knit tiny little pullovers for them. But do the pounds look after themselves? No, they do not; such a bunch of scruffy, dirty creatures I have never seen. So much for proverbs!
They say “A good man is hard to find” but in my experience a hard man is good to find
They say “A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind horse”. Well, I’m a blind horse, and I can tell you that any day I’d much rather have a – oh sorry, I’ll never get the knack of this damned braille. You said wink.
They say “God helps those who help themselves”. Well I helped myself to some of the money from the collection plate in church last Sunday, and the vicar, who is supposed to be God’s representative on Earth, got very cross. Bloody hypocrite.
Why all this fuss about bush fires in Australia? It’s not as if bushes were good for anything. Now if it were trees, I’d be worried, but bushes? Who cares?
I recently bought an expensive leather coat and the salesperson persuaded me to spend extra on a special kit to make it waterproof. Does this mean that all the poor cows who gave their lives for this coat were not waterproof? I can’t help thinking of them standing there with rain penetrating their skin and getting soaked through to their tummies, only being waterproofed after they die. It’s a cruel world.
Dear Mr Tuttle,
It’s not true that domestic appliances are unsuitable presents. My husband bought me a new washing machine, and on the spin cycle it vibrates violently. He advised me to sit on it, so I did, and guess what? After a little while I began to feel a strange but delightful sensation in my (sorry, but we do not have space to finish this letter – Ed)