Lonely Hearts


Find your true love here




Middle-aged man (41, likes to be referred to as ‘Wing Commander’ in the bedroom), WLTM lady with good old-fashioned ideas about a woman’s place.  Box 68

Will the woman who slapped my face in the city centre last weekend please get in touch as I think you could be the one for me.  You were the attractive middle-aged lady wearing a red dress and matching knickers, and I was the man in the anorak with a dentist’s mirror on the end of his shoe.  Box 103

Minimalist seeks woman   Box 0

Widow, 63, looking for companionship.  Likes going for walks in the country, opera, ballet, theatre, eating out and unusual games involving gimp masks.  Box 111

Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus roustabout with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting.  No freaks.  Box 119

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights at three o'clock in the morning.   Box 130

Trouble-maker who can get a bit pugilistic after a few pints seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.   Box 144

Former Miss World sought by trainee old perv (76).   Box 122

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp basement in the arse end of Birmingham, seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with a big chest. Box 146

Devil-worshipper seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the moon.  Box 133

Manchester man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.   Box 139

Optimistic man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.   Box 65

Dog loving woman seeks man with poop scoop   Box 127

Professional footballer, 28, seeks discreet lady for a bit of harmless fun – what's the worst that could happen? Must not object to a few friends joining in.   Box 161

Vegan lady seeks man.  Must share a passion for new age religions, narcissistic health regimes and naked yoga.  I long to be wined and dined on a macrobiotic diet of organic brown rice and tofu with wheatgrass juice, possibly followed by tantric sex.    Box 114

Man WLTM a female (looks, age, size unimportant) to look after me and do the cooking and cleaning in exchange for my company.  Must be willing to disappear if any likely-looking birds show up.   Box 108

Gentleman would like to meet a tall well-built woman with good

sense of humour, nice smile and who can cook unusual dishes such as frogs’

legs, who is amenable and appreciates a good fuc-

schia or heather garden, classical music and tal-

king without getting too serious.


But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.         Box 72