Your Television Tonight







7 pm Baking Antique Property

That po-faced woman off Masterchef glowers at people pretending they want to move house to get on telly, and Greg Wallace shouts at Tim Gurnalot.

7.30 pm A change of job

Reverend Richard Coles has a go at just doing the job he’s paid for, namely being vicar of Finedon, instead of fannying about on every radio and tv show that will have him.  “It will be a challenge”, he says, “actually taking services, ministering to the sick, doing weddings and funerals and praying for people.  I’ll give it a go if I can fit it into my busy schedule”

8 pm East Enders

Lots of lovable smiley cockneys get along peacefully with each other all the time and they all live happily ever after (Is this right? – Ed)

9 pm Just a Minute

Susan Calman tries to speak for sixty seconds without uttering the words “my wife”.

Spoiler alert – she doesn’t make it

9 pm Blue Planet 23

In which Sir David Attenborough sails round the world trying to get away from Michael Palin, who stays in brothels by mistake and pretends to crash into things.

10 pm The Great Debate – Nepotism in Television

 David and Jonathan Dimbleby, Sally Magnussen, Dan Snow, Sandy Toksvig, Lisa Tarbuck, Fern Britton, Simon Mayo and Victoria and Giles Coren discuss the dangers of nepotism in broadcasting.  Chaired by Rebecca Wilcox.










6.00 pm The Flowerpot Men

Our heroes fool around with Weed in the potting shed (repeat)

6.30 pm Andy Pandy

Andy and Looby Loo get together (repeat)

7 pm The News

Hitler annexes the Sudetenland (repeat)

7.30 pm Nationwide

Frank Bough presents a skateboarding dog (repeat)

8.00 pm Eldorado

Shenanigans and bad acting abroad (repeat)

8.30 pm An evening with Norman Wisdom

The diminutive comedian trips over himself all evening (repeat)

9.00 pm Zoo Quest

A young chap called Attenborough goes to a jungle in black and white (repeat)

10.00 pm (NEW) - A chance to catch up

 Programmes you may have missed earlier this evening








6.00 pm Stare-out

Hilarious game show in which contestants try to outstare each other for as long as possible without checking their iphones.  Hosted by a desperate man in a shiny suit.

6.30 pm Watching Paint Dry

Hilarious game show hosted by someone who used to be an alternative comedian but now trousers the cash like everyone else

7.00 pm Guess The Price

Hilarious game show where folk try to guess how much their gas bill will go up next week.  Hosted from his grave by Leslie Crowther, who can’t resist the opportunity

7.30 pm Count The Sheep

Hilarious game show probably hosted by Sue Perkins, Susan Calman, Sandy Toksvig or somebody else – who cares?

8.00 pm Coronation Street Neighbours

Hilarious game show where people from Manchester and Australia slug it out for the prize of Most Ridiculous Plot.  It doesn’t help that neither can understand a word of what the others are saying.

9.00 pm Genius

ITV’s token culture vulture Melvyn Bragg talks about himself ad nauseam.

10.00 pm Traffic Wardens – Camera – Action

In which hidden cameras follow traffic wardens in Neasden as they move swiftly to end the reign of terror of the borough’s parking offenders

11.00 pm Mission Impossible

In which Keith Lemon tries for an hour to be amusing








6.00 pm Celebrity Kitchen Nightmares

People you’ve never heard of try to cook

7.00 pm Celebrity Time Team

People you’ve never heard of dig stuff up

8.00 pm Celebrity Funerals

People you’ve never heard of die

9.00 pm Celebrity Embarrassing Bodies

People you’ve never heard of show off their disgusting running sores

10.00 pm Celebrity Love Island

People you’ve never heard of have sex on an island

11.00 pm – 4.00 am

See ITV, but with “Celebrity” before the title