Need your garden dug up?

Send your wife away for three weeks, put up a large tent in the garden and visit it at night.  Look suspicious when asked where your wife is.  It won’t be long before the cops come round and dig your garden up for free.

Got neighbours?

With the improvement in boom bars, you can now play your favourite tracks anywhere in the house and garden.  It’s important to realise that playing loud music in your garden can be a source of great annoyance to your neighbours.        Another good way of upsetting them is to take pot-shots at their cat.

Going to a funeral and haven’t got a black tie?

Sew a kipper on to your shirt front.  Nobody will notice, and you can always eat it afterwards as a change from the boiled ham that is always served up on these occasions.

Expecting guests?

Buy a load of Get Well Soon cards and put them on the mantelpiece.  They will sympathise and, with a bit of luck, leave early.

Worried about your driving?

The Highway Code advises that you grip the wheel with your hands between, roughly, quarter past nine and ten past ten.  The rest of the time you can control it with your knees, releasing your hands for smoking, drinking, texting or doing naughty things with your passenger.

Drive a white van?

Fool other motorists by driving courteously and safely.  They’ll think they’re dreaming.

Men - hammering a nail in?

Avoid hitting your thumb by getting your wife to hold the nail.

Ladies – need to clean the sink waste?

Use your husband’s toothbrush – he’ll never notice.

Phone screen too small to read?

Immersing it in a glass of water will magnify everything!

Find your goldfish boring?

Putting just the right amount of gin in their bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Choking on an ice cube?

Don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

Got a headache?

Take two aspirin and keep away from children, like it says on the bottle.

Growing your own potatoes?

Be sure to buy good quality seed potatoes, chit them in egg boxes, ridge them up when the shoots appear and water regularly.  Alternatively, go and buy some from the supermarket, where they cost next to nothing.  Cheapskate!

Stained toilet?

Pour a bottle of Cillit Bang down there.  It won’t work, but it’s no bloody good for anything else either, so you might as well chuck it down the bog.

Out of condoms at a crucial moment?

Use clingfilm as a handy substitute.

Into S&M?

Instead of spending money on an expensive dominatrix, try forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Can’t get Radio 1 at work?

Simply load 12 terrible songs on to your phone and listen on repeat and shuffle all day.

Suffer from Hay Fever?

Glue a bee to your upper lip.  The busy little insect will grab all pollen heading towards your nostrils and transform it into delicious honey for your morning toast.

Nagged about leaving the toilet seat up?

Avoid arguments with the missus by simply peeing in the sink